Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
two words: eviction party
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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