so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
