The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
