i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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