hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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