mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
