i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
