I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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