I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
We need to rekindle our bromance
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
