Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
