I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
