Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
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