i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Randomize
