We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Randomize
