So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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