I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
