I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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