You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
