I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
