dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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