Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
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Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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