I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Randomize
