u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
