You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
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After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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