Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
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Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
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Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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