theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
