man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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