It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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