good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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