pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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