Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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