my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
How naked do you want me to be?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
