if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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