I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
