He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
