I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
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Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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