so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
