I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
