I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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