saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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