the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
