Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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