i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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