I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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