I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
