so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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