I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
