what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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