there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
