I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
