I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need a beard to bite.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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