don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
