how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
